Jocelyne Larocque goes on rampage, refuses to wear Silver Medal

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Also robs food bank, burns down orphanage

The nation never saw it coming.

In perhaps the most devastating rampage by a Canadian athlete in recent times, Jocelyne Larocque refused to wear her silver medal after her Team Canada lost the gold medal game to Team USA, then went on to rob a food bank operated by the Sisters of Charity in order to loot its safe. She finally burned down an orphanage to satiate her wild hatred for the human race, crying ‘death to all these worms, huzzah!’

Predictably, Larocque’s rampage consternated members of the public, who were aghast at her atrocious conduct.

“Her behaviour is a disgrace,” said Peter Soares to his fellow bus passengers, on the anniversary of the day he refused to see his wife to plan for their daughter’s education. “Not wearing the Silver Medal. She has no business representing Canada in the sacred venue of the Olympic Games.  And the other stuff, robbing a Nun-run food bank, burning down an orphanage – I’m not really a fan of that either.”

“She’s childish and immature and ought to be banned for life,” said Tiesha Johnson, who did not include in her tax return $4,000 she received in incentive pay. Turning to her nodding girlfriends, she continued “Just when you thought you’ve seen everything, she embarrasses us on the international stage.”

A few like Montreal’s Rev. Marsha Lincoln have publicly urged forgiveness for her medal-meddling monstrosity. But some say that while private violence can be forgiven, public failure to uphold standards of sportsmanship can never receive such absolution.

“That cunt has shamed herself and all of us,” Saskatoon’s Ernie Wyatt said, tipping back another shot moments after telling his son he was an embarrassment to the family for failing a Math test. “She refuses to take responsibility for her actions. When will it end?

“That leads to intolerance,” he added, retweeting a column about immigrant crime waves and refugees of questionable character. “It’s petty, it’s un-enlightened, and it has to stop.” ‘

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