Erdogan Blames Gulen Movement for Indigestion

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President Curses ‘Treasonous dog’ for kebab-related mishap

 

 

 

 

 

Top: Turkish President Tayyip Erdogan
Below:  cleric Fethullah Gulen
Below right: the kebab responsible for Erdogan’s stomach troubles

 

        Islamic preacher Fethullah Gulen is pictured at his residence in Saylorsburg, Pennsylvania        Iskender-01

 

President Tayyip Erdogan of Turkey is a fierce man with an imposing stare. It is rare for him to publicly show any look other than determination and strength. But now, groaning and sipping water, Turkish President Tayyip Erdogan does not look like a man at the height of his power.  He looks ready for a trip to the hospital.

“It is that ungodly Fethullah Gulen”, President Erdogan announced to his aides, who nodded and wrote down the president’s words for a future press conference. “He has cursed this iskender kebab in order to bring weakness and destruction upon Turkey.  It is the latest diabolical maneuver from this traitor, to make even an innocent kebab a tool of his business.”

Fethullah Gulen, an influential Muslim cleric with a pro-Western philosophy, was a major figure in Turkey for many years and a close associate with the President himself. Since then, he has had a bitter falling out with the president, and individuals associated with Gulen are alleged to have released papers on government corruption.  Recently, the government has revised its estimates of Mr. Gulen’s power, saying he is behind terrorist bombings, revolutionary plots, struggling schools, hairy bus drivers, and unattractive flight attendants.  Given this level of influence, it was no surprise when Fethullah Gulen was named as the master plotter behind the failed coup.

‘Gulen was able to cast his spell even over the military,’ Deputy Prime Minister Mehmet Simsek told state newscasters in Ankara, adding that the officers’ appearance of secularism was proof of the cleric’s presence.  ‘When it appears to be the opposite of Gulen, you know for certain Gulen is behind it.’

However, Thursday’s stomach troubles have given the nation a jarring reminder that even the simple kebab is not free of Gulen’s evil influence.

“There is no stomach ache,” declared the AKP newsletter, “No car accident, and no malfunctioning toilet which does not have this Satan’s emissary at the bottom of it.”

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