Trump Aides Wonder Where That Brimstone Smell Keeps Coming From

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Candidate’s aroma ‘increasingly troublesome’

As the US primaries wear on, Trump staffers are increasingly puzzled by the persistent smell of brimstone, with the smell becoming the topic of campaign breakroom conversation.

“At first, I was inclined to write it off to an exotic musk,” said Trump aide Fred Silos. “You never know what Donald will use.  But it doesn’t smell like any cologne I’m familiar with.  You expect certain things when you’re around a person like Donald.  Some things are just meant to be put up with.

“But it’s strange,” Silos went on.  “And eerie.  You can’t deny that.”

Others around Trump were also perturbed by the smell.

“At first I thought it was a diet thing,” commented Robert Sands, Trump’s head of security.  “It was sort of like one of the old steel mills when it was burning away all those impurities.  But after a while, the smell of burnt sulphur makes you wonder how many bad eggs one man is capable of eating.   At least, by himself.”

Trump has a long history of strange phenomena, according to veteran followers of the presidential candidate.  The first of the unexplained incidents occurred during his attempt to use the Atlantic City government to seize land belonging to widow Verah Coking.  When city officials met with Trump while attempting to plan their latest move, they became aware of a column of flies that would mysteriously settle about 3 feet to the candidate’s right.

When an aide to the mayor commented on the nuisance, the response was unexpected.

“Trump’s smile was wiped away by an unholy glare, and the room was suddenly colder than the North Pole.  He told me that flies were the worthiest of all creatures, ‘A thousand times more worthy than man.  For as they feast they bring man in all his glory to decay and ruin.’   At this point his smile returned, and the room was warm once more.”

While many would stay far away from such a man, not everyone seems frightened.

The Dime’s correspondent met Jesse Purvis, a newly hired Trump advisor, hurrying out of the candidate’s quarters.  Purvis responded that the candidate has “a strong sense of fun,” and that the exceptionally large bag with a crucifix he was carrying was “merely a favour for Father Merrin.”

At press time, screams could be heard from Trump’s bathroom, prompting speculation that holy water had been mixed with Trump’s shampoo.

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