Trudeau on Cabinet gender parity: “It’s a promise that costs me nothing”

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Dismisses rumours that he will care about poor, homeless.

Canadian PM-elect Justin Trudeau wasted no time in reassuring Canadians that he harboured no radical impulses.

Moving quickly, the victorious Liberal leader vowed that he would continue ‘the finest traditions of this Liberal Party’ by pretending to care about everyone it is currently fashionable to care about.

“I want to assure you all that women and gays have a place in this government!” Trudeau triumphantly announced, looking around at the celebratory crowd. “As long as the women and gay people are not in need of anything expensive, like mental healthcare, education funding, or anything else that is pricey.”

“Our Liberal government will restore the justice and idealism that makes Canada great,” he continued. “Human rights have languished under the Harper government. We will work for the symbolic rights of all Canadians to be equal, and possibly for more – as long as it doesn’t involve too many sacrifices on our part.”

“There are limits to what our government can do,” he continued. “Sadly, ensuring the affordability of mental healthcare and higher education would require us to raise taxes on people who are rich to give major donations to our party war chest.”

“Don’t get me wrong, though,” he added. “We won’t provide those for men or straight people, either. This is a government that cares about equality.”

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