New minister promises better climate change for all Canadians

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Canada’s new Minister of Climate Change today promised better climate change for all Canadians and chided the previous government for poor handling of the file.

“What’s this? Global warming for ants?” Catherine McKenna asked, waving a report that forecast a global temperatures rise of 2C by the end of the century. “This would mean that Winnipeg will be -38C in the winter instead of -40C. Winnipeggers deserve better. Canadians deserve better.”

“And in Canada, better is always possible,” the Ottawa Centre MP said. “As your Minister of Climate Change, I will spare no effort to deliver the Liberal pledge to bring about just and equitable climate change, real climate change, to all Canadians, not just the 1% percent.”

Global warming will provide opportunities for agriculture with an expansion of the growing season to go along with milder and shorter winters thereby increasing productivity and allowing the use of new and potentially more profitable crops, the former human rights and social justice lawyer pointed out.

The rising temperatures would also benefit livestock production in the form of lower feed requirements, increased survival rates of the young and lower energy costs, according Minister McKenna.

Canada is strategically placed to become a global shipping superpower as melting Arctic sea ice would open up the “Northwest Passage”, an Arctic shipping route making the journey from the northern Pacific coast to Europe shorter by more than 1,000 nautical miles.

“Northwest Passage will become the new Panama Canal,” McKenna said. “The traditional shipping route through the Panama Canal is longer and involves travelling through a war-ridden third world country.”

“Travel through Northwest Passage will save time and fuel, but even more importantly, the crew will be able to spot polar bears by day and marvel at the northern lights by night,” McKenna said. “And it will also make it easier for western Canadian exporters to tap European markets.”

McKenna pledged to conduct a “broad consultation process” to finalize Prime Minister Justin Trudeau’s climate change agenda.

“Implementation of better climate change is a high priority,” McKenna said. “But it’ll be an inclusive process. We’ll be consulting all stakeholders including large multinational corporations, their lobbyists and special interest groups funded by them.”

The Green Party welcomed the move with cautious optimism but said there are other more pressing priorities than better climate change.

“It’s commendable that they’re preparing to bring about better climate change,” party leader Elizabeth May said. “But they’re not tacking the single greatest crisis facing Canadians today: brain tumours caused by WiFi signals. We need to increase funding for homeopathic medical research to find a cure for these cancers.”

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