Media’s Lips Cemented to Justin Trudeau’s Posterior

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Top surgeon, construction specialist consulted on removal process

In a physical mishap worthy of House, the collective lips of the national media have become cemented to the posterior of the new Prime Minister.

“We didn’t see it coming,” said Toronto Star editor Michael Cooke. “One minute we were printing the Op-Ed ‘Cabinet reflective of modern Canada’ and gushing about Justin Trudeau’s good looks and progressive air. And the next thing you know, this happens. Boy, do we have egg on our face – well, we wish we had egg on our face. This is much worse.”

David Walmsley, the Globe and Mail’s top editor, was slightly more irritable.

“There are things you expect in journalism,” Walmsley said. “Yes, in retrospect, the editorial with no identified author that called Trudeau’s cabinet “remarkable in its powerful symbolism and promise of real accomplishment” may have gone slightly too far. It came at much the same time as our article praising his readiness to tackle thorny issues. But you have to expect this every now and again. Stop laughing, you unsophisticated lunatic.”

Brian O’Donnell, masonry expert was cautious about removal of the media’s lips from the prime minister.

“Cement hardens pretty fast,’ said O’Donnell. “And the usual drills we might normally use are not really an option here. You really shouldn’t just fool around with cement, no matter how much fun you might be having.”

However, Dr. Abraham J. Goldstein, the Montreal Jewish Hospital’s chief of Unusual Surgery, was optimistic.

“This isn’t the first time this has happened,” he said. “The media’s embrace of Mulroney also seemed impossible to remove. But ultimately, with time and Mr. Mulroney’s help we were successful.”

‘With much pain,” he added, “wisdom comes. Well, hopefully it comes. But I would be lying if I said I thought this was the last time.”

[With a nod to Andy Borowitz’s previous column]

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